You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
