Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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