She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i was born a porn star she said
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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