just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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