Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You were trust falling into bushes
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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