i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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