He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
