Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
