I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
