The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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