Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
