I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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