Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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