its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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