Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
