He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
