Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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