whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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