Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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