Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
