I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
