I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
