i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
