So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
