ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
