I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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