i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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