I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
