2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
