my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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