I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
