I don't think brook has ever known best
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
