Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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