I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
