Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
