If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
