bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
