I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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