totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
