He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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