i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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