I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
