he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
