I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
