Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
