She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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