im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
