Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
