Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
