i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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