im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
