I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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