ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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