sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
