Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
